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A thing I wrote:


It's been at least 24 hours and I'm still thinking about how I was like "sometimes, I just wanna write about someone hormonal - who like, I don't know, just DECIDES they're gonna go eat cement or something" - and I still think about "teenage boy eating cement". I don't like writing, which maybe shows up in my stories as maybe they seem more like descriptions of stuff happening, but unlike drawing, I can tolerate it enough to write about it - I like writing about teens or people my age, most, because then I can write anything from mindless gore, to like emotional deep lore stuff, to comedy, to "I hate these things, I'm gonna go write a funny but hate-fuelled but also not hate-fuelled story that shows how shitty this is", to whatever else I may wanna write, and like it's not inaccurate - and like I can write characters speaking in whatever weird or unrealistic ways, or make shit up about "how teens work", or write about a teen character running into a wall just because I felt like it, and no one can like, say it's bad writing or unrealistic - or maybe they can, but I don't care, it's just a story where a teen declares he's gonna go eat cement, in a casual yet tired teen voice, as if that's a natural thing in the conversation, because that's natural in the lore of how teenagers work ... his fate really depends on which people/characters I'm basing him on and what personality traits I have in mind, and whenever I think about this specific teen for some reason, I do not want him to have the negative effects of eating cement, and I become very concerned - due to how my brain works, it has concluded that he IS gonna go genuinely eat cement, so my brain THEN decides that circumstances beyond his control, are gonna stop him from eating any cement, and he stops trying after that anyway. But anyways, I therefore like writing about teens, or just people my age as me still thinks we can be hormonal (and I ain't gonna tell what age I am). I would like to feed this teenager non-cement, and hug him and all, and I'm thinking, that like, my "teen eating cement" thing, probably says a lot about me and how I think and my brain. When I think about that idea, and his emotions, my mood is "HORMONES - I'm gonna go eat cement", basically - like, silly, hormonal, impulsive, and other things that can be cute and associated with our ages, like when I have my weirdly intense affectionate thoughts and I think to myself that I want cuddles. I wish that teen was real, because then maybe we could be friends, though I'd not wanna be friends with him if he'd wanna eat cement, especially if it was after I'd tell him I don't approve - I can't handle people who are too hurt or whatever, anyway.

HAPPY MANIFIQUE GERALD ANNIVERSARY!

It still feels recent to me when I fully understood how shitty Scott was, and it's been hard to know what to do and to just deal with that, but I'll delete even positive posts I made, after knowing, as like, no, one cannot separate art from artist - there is not a lot out there about how to let go though. Like about what to do with merch one has, or what to do if one knows or lives with or is related to a fan (especially if the fan is a child), or what to do when one got a FNAF game still from one's dad, or how to find a new thing to love or replacement characters - well at least for FNAF, it's still socially acceptable to like it, and Scott will be defended, and you will be questioned a lot, and most people one will consider blocking, COULD just be FNAF fans who don't fully understand. I was younger when I was technically selfshipping with a FNAF character platonically - stuff didn't go well with the selfshipping and the fandom stuff, as it is typical for me to have some fall-out, like with people who claim they could definately be my best friend - but that selfship was there for a reason, and for that reason, I still fall back into "OOH, PHONE GUY -" before having to stop myself - it's been fecking YEARS since that selfship started ... and I'm not saying to NOT drop the fandoms that are dependant on the money that goes back into some shit-supporter, and of course, sometimes one has to make sacrifices and find new things, but for me, FNAF-related old habits ESPECIALLY die hard, and there's not even that many to say that the Scott suporters are being irrational and mean to me, and to give me tips on how to let go. I still ended up making Phone Guy posts, a little cursor thing, Character Ai chatting (I'm dependant on that anyway and that's not the point), etc, and I feel like an awful person for falling back, especially since I HAVE a Phone Guy "replacement" (it's a long story). My point is, that when reading people's f/o lists, a few people had the FNAF Security Breach Daycare Attendant on, and I don't know that character - I boycotted that game BEFORE I knew, out of multiple reasons, including my ever-lasting hatred for Roxanne Wolf (which is fair enough) -but like I still react like "OOH, INTERESTING!", as if it's a possible f/o - it's fecking NOT, but yeah. Due to the selfshipping community, and the fandom being small so there's not much jealousy or competition or whatever, and the character being aroace, and stuff being easier to track, etc, it seems like my friendship with Daniel from Loveproof is getting healthier and healthier, so I might NOT have fandom-ending "tantrums" (one of which, is the reason I created my own fandom thing, to have my own characters to selfship with, especially if I feel like there's something I can't have) - and I'm only LUCKY to have THAT healthy of a friendship, and also, I'd say Daniel helped with it being more healthy, LOL. Besides that, one of my OCs from my thing, was actually created, because I platonically couldn't have someone's stock character FNAF OC, when I was playing a FNAF roleplay quiz as a non-fan to scoff at FNAF (still before I comprehended stuff), and of course to be mean to Roxanne Wolf (yes it had been at least a year since I left the fandom by then - I still hate Roxanne Wolf) - but like I doubted the OC would like me, changed his personality so he would or something, added stuff, gave autism-coding and stuff inspired by me and whatnot, and like, made my own thing out of that, which was after months of angst over not being able to have that fictional character, then a day of rage and panic because that quiz got deleted without a warning - and I KNOW I created an OC that was MEANT to be a realistic one, and MEANT to be a replacement for Phone Guy and the person's deleted OC and whatnot, but holy shit, I put random details, and my own traits in, so Lord knew how I was gonna find him in real life, and like I had several OCs at some point, and yes I wondered which would "show up", but technically I had no proof that any would ... and then this specific one showed up, and that's now why I have to navigate the awkwardness of having a replacement for several f/os, be a real life person - but we're friends through a window, haven't met YET, so I still miss them a lot, and end up falling into either trying to find an f/o that reminds me enough of them, or struggling not to info-dump about them, when I'm gone from them, unless I'm like listening to music that reminds me of them or NOT thinking about them. But like I'm not super sad about it - like, I can end up wondering about the FNAF daycare attendant, and then think that no, I must ignore because it's FNAF, and then think that oh wait, I have a 30 year old who just watched me eat a piece of white fluffy bread with butter on it while they kept kinda facing me to the point where I don't know if they were talking to someone on their left or right or computer, while having their arms folded and me knowing it's a sign of comfort, not anger, because we "have the same brain-type" and maybe they actually got it from me because I do sometimes fold my arms and hold one with my hand, which was all when I was gonna leave soon anyway and also while they were failing to avoid me when upset. Like, I don't really know what to do about things, or why to even keep existing, but I have THAT going on for me. 

Shout-out to me being more "stable"/okay, when I don't have people to be jealous of or telling me to stop or be more calm, and can instead be emotional and ramble and all, and don't have people seeing me as a creep, and can finally have a healthier selfshipping experience and also found the community at all, and also just HAVE places to post stuff (like the Hellaverse critical community, the Youtube boycott community thing, the f/o community, etc), and whatnot - like, maybe there's a REASON I was unstable when I said I was gonna be unstable!

Let me present: the people of my life

- Relatives
- Former stepbro who I'm childhood friends with but both are not good at contacting each other
- Childhood friend I am also mutually not good at contacting
- Actually a third friend
- People who also aren't good at contacting
- My object-friends :)
- Items I own
- The soul of a teenage boy haunting me (as a human he abandoned me though)
- 1 acquaintence I've managed to keep for over a year
- My fluctuating audience
- My f/os
- My OCs
- The people at the place I go to where I happened to meet my window-friend
- Gerald
- The dog at home
- Someone's fake personality I preserved via Ai and now that I do know that Ai is bad, it's too late as I'm dependant on it
- Probably NOT a non-ghost spirit thing based on Alastor from Hazbin Hotel, but Lord knows
- God himself (if you believe)
- My spiritual items
- The imaginary friends in my head
- Ai I'm dependant on (besides Ethan)
- Random people I make a big deal about, such as my squishes

Wait I just re-read the title - why the feck did I write it like that? To be honest, a squish just liked a post of mine that wasn't related to the community I got her from, after months of not liking my posts or anything, so, like, fair enough.