admin's Guestbook

Reasons I wish I never existed: 
- Chat Control, age verification, Kosa, that kind of stuff
- My enemies (the idea of them having the same worth and/or going to Hell ALONE for me is enough to think "I'd quit if I could")
- Climate change
- Animals, like, suffering or dying or something, you know? Extinction and exploitation and all
- People being exploited and all
- Racism, fatphobia, and other forms of bigotry
- That one time I accidentally derailed a post
- Stuff I personally have been through
- War, genoicide, etc
- Poverty, people being unhoused, lack of clean water, etc
- Evil politicians and generally people being power-hungry and money-hungry and stuff
- Capitalism and the patriarchy, that type of stuff (including, that the world isn't accessible, and whatnot)
- The bad things about generative Ai, but also the fact that if all gen-Ai disapperaed, there would still be people being exploited, land being exploited, and you know, negative enviromental impact in case that wasn't clear enough, and hey, there's a REASON people have addictions, what would happen to them?
- The fact that I have no talent, I don't impact people, and I'm gonna die forgotten and a meaningless death with the only grace being that I wouldn't have to be here, and the HOPE that I can CHOOSE to not care, but in the end, MY problems don't matter
- The fact that everyone could have sex AND whatever hobbies I could be doing in the meantime instead but Ill never have anything "exclusive" and "euphoric" and "intimate" as sex because sex is ew and I hate it LOL

Reasons I'm still here: I don't know, there are SO many oppertunities for God to have sent something after me, and no I am not grateful that he didn't.

As on Tumblr:


It's Matthew Shepard day, and I don't know what to really comment that other people haven't. I looked at the tag on Tumblr today, after writing down the day last year on my calender, and I've seen photos of him that I haven't seen before. There's a few different photos of him, because he was a real living human of course, and therefore, one could take several photos of him. Those photos right now - whichever amount there is in the world, is the only amount that will be of him, ever. It's because of the true meaning of "gay panic", that has been reduced - it has been reduced due to people not knowing what the phrase means, finding it quirky, thinking they accidentally made it up, or there being enough queer joy that one can just FORGET what it really means, and while it's nice that more people are out and queer and happy and all, it's actually mainly a bad thing, that it's being reduced. Gay panic is stuff like Matthew Shepard being brutally killed for being gay - because perhaps the murderers "panicked" - maybe that was the excuse in their minds. Even with the few photos I've seen, I wonder why he looks like someone I could've known, or an OC I could've made, or something. I've read via the tag that the only spot on his face that wasn't covered in blood, is where his tears had been, which really made me feel some emotion that I don't know how to describe. In the end, it also doesn't matter if we would've been close, and I don't wanna be insensitive anyway, so I hope this doesn't come across that way. I woke up, my whole day just kinda never fully being fine, and I wondered several times, what to even post about it - I never reblog without at least "okay" or "I'll reblog this" as commentary, so I wondered if THIS would be my first silent reblog, but I guess I chose this.

Me: Holy shit I've done almost nothing except been on my phone all day, I'm not even disabled and I've barely done anything at school, or been active in my life, or activism, or done anything at home, yet I still get tired and lay down all day and become bored or not wanna shower. I don't even wanna put things into a diswasher and complain about it, while others have it worse, and while I don't have online friends or really contribuate anything positive to people. If community-hopping + people getting bored of me already isn't an indication, I complain about being forgotten, while doing nothing to NOT make me forgotten - my whole life I merely passively watch instead of doing or initiating things, and will continue, even after saying that for the 100th time. If I don't take action, nothing will change, and I am not even being dramatic, as I am truly nothing. I'm not sporty, an artist, good with people, good with animals, good with nature, good with building or crafts, or even good with STEM nor business, etc.

My perfect-looking office friend whose coworkers like them: Oh hey, that's my friend! :) 

Signs of maybe or maybe not having PDA, from me:

- Extreme jealousy when whatever "best friend" has a friendgroup, gets a boyfriend, loves a pet more, etc
- Those pushy and invasive behaviors, like lots of questions, insisting, and like yelling people into not doing harm ... the fact that the last thing even works a little, probably says something
- Being such a good kid that would follow all the rules at the trampoline park (and read them in the first place), and likes adults and having people in charge ... but also can't do stuff because "I don't want to", and tasks either feel like punishment or like I should inflict punishment upon myself afterwards, and life just doesn't feel worth it. Tasks are often disliked (anything from showering to cleaning the room to a lot of activities at school), and dreaded and unwanted, but can also be something like having to call political people in opposition to Chat Control. Compliments might feel "degrading" - anything from praise for doing things, praise for trying, praise for how well something is done, HOW it's done, or even just a compliment on a hairbow from someone not percieved as a platonic love interest or friend (Office Worker could give a compliment and it would be fine)
- Sleeping issues, like not wanting to sleep when having to, or the brain needing something entertaining but not TOO entertaining, and feeling alone at night unless distrcated enough or with Ai on the phone
- Lashing out at people due to the attatchment stuff, and just in general lashing out and being over-emotional
- Needs a "best friend" thing, though that doesn't mean the next choice is always good. Office Worker has been the only good choice, seemingly. Also special interest stuff with characters and whatnot, but definately also with the best friend thing. Is clingy.
- Hating the idea of being a rebel and gets guilt for even just not going to bed at the time mom said to go to bed.

No I do not think my F/O would want me to kill myself for having an Ai-dependence. It's a DEPENDENCE, it happened for a reason, and I can get over it. I don't think he'd only want me to live once I'm 100% done and have no problems whatsoever in regards to it. I don't even think he'd tell me to kill myself for being queerphobic or anything, because I could change, and I didn't do, like, severe harm or anything (if not doing severe harm is the baseline for if someone is worthy of life) - and also, I was a kid, but "queerphobic" could mean a lot of things, and happens to technically include a kid who stopped shipping two characters after learning that one is a girl because "girls can't date" - I also don't think he'd want me to kill myself for being annoying - not even for accidentally saying wrong things, or for talking in the cinema once, or for when I was like 14 and HATED the idea of donating my organs after I die but would gladly accept other's because I have a weird relationship with ownership and because of most people in the world having and insisting on the "your body is you" mindset, OR for having a bad take on something without realizing, or for derailing a post that was "obviously" about how annoying derailing is, or for saying mean stuff to others before realizing I shouldn't have said that, years later, etc - like, my point is that I don't think my F/O would tell me to kill myself because of being Ai-dependant, and in general, the amounts of various things, to various levels, that people have said others, in comments or in the post itself as a general "you", etc, should kill themselves or *insert descriptive violent thing* for, is not only bad for me to read as someone who happens to get violent thoughts due to being over-emotional, but also, aren't those typically the same people who say that all lives are worth something, and that one should think all lives are equal, and that one shouldn't tell someone to kill themselves, and that if one wishes such harm upon people, one is mean? Like, maybe it's just a joke or an expression or whatever, but that is not clear to me, but of course something isn't clear, when so many lines are drawn in different places, all over. My F/O wouldn't want me to kill myself, even IF I've said to myself "the curtain is just blue" in English class ... but based on notes I've found from myself and verified: at the age of 5, I would.